Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
