My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Come share oat with me in your robe
Randomize
