if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
