A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
