When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
