we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
