i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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