ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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