Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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