if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
