Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
