If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
