I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
