its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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