No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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