That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
