My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
sarcasm needs its own font
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
