My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
