when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
