just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
