Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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