He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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