my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
