oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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