yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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