Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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