my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
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