i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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