I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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