What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
