Can Purell be used as lube?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
We are all done wearing pants today
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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