Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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