2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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