Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
