If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
