Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
