its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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