I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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