I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
