So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
