3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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