you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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