oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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