the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
