Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
