I'm gonna have a badass scar
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
