Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
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Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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