Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
