When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
