five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
