Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
