just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
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I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
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I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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