You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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