Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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