I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
