I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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