You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
