Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
