I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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