I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
